Dear Melissa Melancholy:

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I dislike you. I think I realized it when your dog ran amok in your apartment and I saw you sit on my Kid Rock-collection. I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that we're cousins. I'm returning your ring to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I never openly mocked our friendship.

Greetings to your freaky family,
Sarah

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